


Thinking Back

by Kitten1134



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Gay, Heartwarming, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:11:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22474648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitten1134/pseuds/Kitten1134
Summary: Ponyboy remembers his past lover Johnny Cade. He especially remembers the pain of losing him. Will Ponyboy find a way to deal with his loss? Or will the pain be too much to bare?
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Ponyboy Curtis
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Thinking Back

Ponyboy was walking through the streets, enjoying the cool night breeze and the twinkling stars in the sky above. He remembered how he once watched them with Johnny. Johnny and he were secret lovers. They have always had feelings for each other, but they wouldn't dare tell a single soul. He knew how they treated queers in Tulsa, especially in his own neibourhood. He was picturing Johnny's face in his mind, every single little aspect and detail. He loved Johnny alright, he was his best friend!

Although the gang was super tight, like peas in a pod. He had always felt like an outsider within his own group. This was primarily because he was the youngest amongst them. Only fourteen, well, fifteen and a half now. They were always telling him things like 'you're too young kid' and 'you're not like us so don't try to be'. Even though he knew their intentions were good, it still hurt a hell of alot. Johnny was the only person he could talk and relate to. Well, Soda too but that was different. He looked up to Soda, so it was more of like respect and admiration. He loved Johnny, which is why it killed him that he was gone.

He thought back to the time they spent at the church. They had spent a week alone together and Johnny did a great job at comforting him. He told him that everything was going to be alright, well it wasn't. It was all his fault that Johnny was gone.

Thinking back . . . If he had never ran into the building to save the children, and let the policeman do his own job, Johnny wouldn't have ran after him.

Thinking back . . . If he had never smoked in the church, the improperly unlit cigarette wouldn't have burned down the building.

Thinking back . . . If he had never provoked Bob...

Thinking back. . . If he had never went to the park that night.

Thinking back. . . If he he never ran away in the first place....

He had a million reasons to blame himself for Johnny's death. The guilt and loss he felt was really taking a toll on him. Tears rolled down his cheeks, as they slowly turned into silent sobs. He couldn't live without Johnny by his side and he couldn't live with the feeling that it was all his fault. He just wanted to go back to when times were perfect. When he would go see movies at the drive in, and look all the stars and constellations. And roam the streets without a care in the world. He wanted to go back to a time when Johnny was here.

It was almost a year since his death and the pain was still fresh in his mind. Darry and Soda had noticed Pony's odd behavior. With his bloodshot and teary eyes, he always looked like he hadn't slept in weeks! He often locked himself in his room and only came out when absolutely necessary. He sure wasn't himself alright. They were worried about him. He also didn't eat much. Not even chocolate cake, coca cola, or DQ. And those were his favorite foods. The gang was worried that he was depressed, and they were right. He was. He wanted to be with Johnny again by any means.

He went back home and into his room and he locked the door.Then he picked up a small blade and held it upto his neck. He then turned his head to look at the book Johnny had given to him, _"Gone with the wind"_. The same book Johnny wanted him to have before he died. Pony rested the blade down on his bed and read the note that was in the book. 

' _Ponyboy,_

_I asked the nurse to give you this book so you could finish it. The doctor came in a while ago, but I already knew. I keep getting tireder and tireder. Listen, I don't mind dying now. It's worth it, it's worth dying for those little kids. Their lives are worth more than mine, they have so much more to live for. Some of their parents came by to thank me and I know it's worth it. Tell Dally it's worth it. I'm just gonna miss you guys. I've been thinking about it and that poem, that guy that wrote it, he meant you're gold when you're a kid, like green. When you're a kid everything's new, dawn. It's just when you get used to everything that it's day. Like the way you dig sunsets, Pony. That's gold. Keep that way, it's a good to be. I want you to tell Dally to look at one. He'll probably think you're crazy, but ask for me. I don't think he's ever really seen a sunset. And don't be so bugged over being a greaser. You still have a ton of time to make yourself what you want. There's still good in the world. Tell Dally, I don't think he knows._

_Your Buddy,_

_Johnny.'_

He smiled to himself. He flipped through the pages of the book. He noticed that there was a second note, it read, 

_'Dear Ponyboy,_

_I love you so much, with all my heart. There isn't another person in the world like you. Do pure, and full of life.'_

Ponyboy started to tear up again, he wiped them away and continued reading.

_'You opened my eyes to the world and gave me hope. I want you to know that I will always be with you. I want you to live your life.'_

  
Pony didn't know how he was supposed to do that without Johnny. 

_'Make something good of yourself, alright? I want you to be strong, if not for yourself, for Darry, and Soda, and for me._ _There is so much more I want to tell you, but all my words can be summed up to just five, I love you Ponyboy Curtis._  


_Johnny_

Ponyboy thought back to all the times Johnny had whispered those last couple of words in his ear, he missed it. He thought back to when Darry had said, "you can't stop living just because you lose somebody, you should know that by now.."   
And to Johnny's last words to him.   
_Stay gold ponyboy, stay gold._

He just then realized what that ment. 

  
Stay pure, to stay the way he is. 

  
A smile spread across his face as he folded back the note in the book and wisperd to himself.

"I love you too JohnnyCake." 

THE END ~ 

**Author's Note:**

> I took that first note from Johhny from the book The Outsiders. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, it's the first fanfiction I ever wrote. I wanted to share it with you guys on AO3. The original is on wattpad. My account there has the same username as it does here.


End file.
